Repressed Assaults

August 24, 2019

Aug 15, 2019

 

I'm not including minors one like random spanks by strangers I didn't know or gropes, these were much significant hurt. My heart is heavy writing this, I’ve locked all these thoughts away but going over my past writings is bringing these feeling out. So much pain I have endured. So much sadness. All flooding after I went over my writing from two years ago Valentine incident. An unfortunate soul. I've never penned this or mentioned most of these incidents except the one from 2 years ago publicly. I believe in out of sight out of mind or rather lock and throw away the key. 

Possibly the media at the moment as well. I feel like I’m suffocating. I can’t explain how I’m feeling now. A bit distressed. Anxiety? A heart break feeling yet. I don’t have a heart break. I desperately want to be done writing this piece so I can forget about it once more. It’s always going to be a part of me. I wish I could go running but I can’t. Not for 2 more weeks. Surgery  :( I hate this feeling. Is this ptsd? 

 

6 my seat partner in class. Dele was his name. I’ll never forget, almost daily stuck in my panties and would smell it, made me smell it as well. It stopped after he was moved to another class. I’d remember everytime I’d would see him the following years, even in high school I remembered when I saw him again after many years. I still remember today.

I never priced much about it back then, I didn’t know what was going on, I felt uncomfortable and didn't understand why.  

 

I remember at 7, a grown man kissing me on the lips. The backyard of my house with the orange tank near the stairs. I remember running to give him something that was forgotten and that happened.  I am not sure how my family know him, he was a friend of a friend of a friend cousin something like that,I had seen him around and he did that. He’d come to visit us.  Big sloppy lips and wet *shudders*. Stolen first kiss. 

 

At 15, twice. My principal, secondary school made advances, and touched me, kissed me too. It was disgusting. I was called to the office, it was after an incident. To “check up” on me. He could do anything for me he said. Short story I got stranger by a male in my class in I had rejected. It was a scene. Of course you know the rules no tattling, but there was no way I couldn't say anything once staff and my parents got involved. Some of the male students were upset with me for reporting the incident. I still have faint scar on my neck

Since then I avoided him. Couldn't look him in the face, even when my class got punished or not doing Igbo project (nobody in Igbo class did it), we all got in trouble and had to kneel in the principals office. Strokes of the cane we got (corporal punishment).

He was “sooo religious and “godly” but a deviant truly.

What happened to him? Who knows, he had some affairs with some other students, it got revealed (Imagine that creep going to a high school party, yes, I left when he arrived.) He also embezzled money and took off on an okada. It was a fiasco. We got a new principal after that, but for a while that spot was vacant. I’ve always been wary of mens eye on me. From a young age. I try to be careful because you can’t trust them. 

 

That same year, I almost got raped and some random stranger saved me, and I crushed on him, I guess hero crushing, it was stupid. Pelumi was his name. I ended up dating his best friend as a means to get to him, sly I know but he had moved abroad so I settled for the friend Prince. The first time I had sex with him he used vaseline as lube, I did it before I moved to the States, as goodbye, he had bought me a gift, an outfit, pink top and jeans, I loved it. My mom was aware of him, he used to call me when I first moved here but we grew apart, I mean really, I'm a thousand miles away. My relationship with Prince was something else. He would be jealous when I talked to other guys and get mad at me, anyway, that is for another blog I'm drifting off the theme. Funny Prince was at the party and I didn't pay attention to him, I had only eyes for my hero. I had attended a Christmas party at a bar (don't ask the laws are different in Nigeria) there was a lot of drinking going on. I didn't partake, I'm light weight. My assailants cornered me while I was looking for the restroom, I was so scared and he stopped it by stepping in confronting them then lead me away. I chat with him for a few minutes then I went home afterwards. He was so cute too. I smelled of liquor and cigarettes. I changed outside the house. I rememember being I worried my mom would find out I had lied to her about the party, well I wan’t completely honest. I told her was going for a school party Christmas party, it was a school but it wasn’t at school. If that guy hadn’t stepped in god knows. I was thankful.

 

At 18, I’d just turned 18, someone I met at work, I was young and foolish and was trying to make friends instead I ended up hurt. It hurt so much, told me that I wanted it. Like it was my fault. This person was in his 40s. 

 

Then at the strip club.The bouncers just walked by and let it happen. I felt so dirty that day. VIP alright. Yay for the house. 

 

Then in Miami. Happy Valentines day to me right.

 

Why after all these years these thoughts came again after going over my writings? That sinking feeling.

 

 

 

 

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