July 28, 2019
I understand why some are guarded, so much friendships of convenience I would see it daily, and was not happy with it. When I meet someone I’d like to know them and have good time but recently when I did it was more prying, more trying to find out information sneakily, thinking that I’m boastful with loose lips like so many, or stupid, most people do not realize how smart I am. How discreet would I be if I were to reveal certain information? I wore a poker face and acted like I knew nothing of what was mentioned but deep down I was upset again and it was the last straw for me. How can I keep meeting ladies and they keep trying to push my buttons, never genuine with their intentions, always wanting to one up the other, to prove something to me, to brag to me, to continuously be dishonest? Is this the case in this world? I don’t care about any of that.
I don’t think there are real friendships in here and if someone is genuine can they find me? Can our stars align? Can I meet someone who just wants to be friends, to accept me, to be unenvious, to be open, true and kind, to be reliable, to be REAL, to vacation with and not worry they will go through your documents or rob you or abandon you. To relax around like I do with my siblings. A sister from another mother.
I’m very good at observation. During a social meet, on one end one party continuously lied and the other had displayed some unpleasant facial expressions, I felt a bit uncomfortable because it was like I had brought together two people who had disagreements and I could sense a little tension in the air. They both seemed like they were friends from what I saw online so didn’t think it would be a problem but low and behold, a blunder on my end.
I never understood why I’d meet someone and they tell me “if anything bad ever happen between us, we would go our separate ways and not try to destroy the other”. The thought never crosses my head when I meet someone for the first time. And when I heard it I was puzzled. Ok. I agreed to it but still I was puzzled. I would never sabotage anyone. But I see it's because of all the doxxing in this world. You can never be too careful.
So far in my life as Elise I’ve gotten extremely close to a few ladies and most fell apart. Be it jealousy. Be it deceit. Be it false accusations. Be it overthinking.
I’m not trying to paint myself as a victim and sometimes I do wonder what fault I had. Maybe I was too optimistic about being in a relationship, someone to connect with to laugh and be open with. Perhaps I was too naive. Or maybe, it is what is is, you never really know people's true intentions in this world.
On False Accusations
Once upon a time there was an OD incident at an NYC bar. The circumstances I am unaware off, I am not sure if the drinks were spiked or whatnot. It was my first time in an ambulance, they (the rooftop bar) didn't want to be held liable and they called emergency services, we weren’t allowed to just grab a cab. I waited in an emergency room up to daybreak till my friend was released and took her safely back to hotel before retiring to mine, barely getting any sleep.
The whole story is still a puzzle to me. I really do not understand. I was there when a friend was in a really bad place. And god bless her soul that other lady that was with me, it was my first time meeting her and I can see she potentially would have been a kindred spirit, long retired and vanished from this world though.
I met someone else that night but she left once shit hit the fan at the bar. How is it you decide to bail when someone is in distress? When someone could have died?Your flight and walking your dog at 2am was more important. All this happened when said person was OD in the restroom. I could not understand.
A part of me feels she had a hand in it to guiltily run away. Did you supply some drugs that reacted with her drinks? Did you think you would be queried at the hospital if the case were serious? How can people be so heartless?
That is life in this world.
Every man for himself.
I don't know you well enough.
Just another dead OD whore, typical, nothing new here.
I did a lot of thinking while at the ER. That was someone I was trying to network with, imagine that. Had a lot of "connections". Soho House and all. If I were in said person shoes elsewhere even abroad I'd be left for dead.
A few months later a relation to said person send accusatory texts to me, it upset me greatly because I would never hurt a fly. This relation I also considered a friend as well. I was upset I had to prove things about the event when you should have just believed me from knowing me, or rather you didn't know me at all. I can understand caution in the industry, I mean look at what happened to my gf that OD, but I am not the culprit. I've heard lots of stories on social media about drugging clients to rob them or not pull through a session or get extended dates (and it's highly praised as tips, you'd be surprised) or drugging other ladies for unscrupulous reasons (never accept drink not opened in you presence, be mindful of your glass too), none of this I would ever do. I myself have been set up in my rookie year.
I have been through a lot as Elise, I have learned so much since being Elise and honestly it gets a lot in my heart. I’ve had to deal with a lot of emotions. Be it anger, sadness, extreme depression. People that want to come into this world, everything is not as it seems.
Aug 1, 2019
What I feared then, surely did happen without a poisoned state.
I took a little fault the fault of not speaking up sooner but then again it might have been for the best. A good friend of mine I confided in mentioned to me to find out what was going on. It would be the only way to know.
I was not going to engage with anyone in a poisoned state of mind. When I talk to my sister she would tell me these things-I should not ever doubt myself, I don’t have to I am very strong I am kind and loving and generous.
If such a person were truly my friend none of this would happen.
They would also be open and receptive, it seemed like unspoken words. Or perhaps that is overthinking. Or perhaps that is my stubbornness. The offense of the block and unblock and the lies. Do I have to make the first step? I felt I tried in London but honestly keeping my thoughts to myself did not help in this situation.
To be frank, I am uncertain if I lost a good friend. And I don’t want to dwell on such thoughts. I don’t want to be mechanical. I did reread the penned letter and back then I didn’t reply because I had plans to visit London at the end of the month and thought I’d be confrontational then. I also had a lot going on with taxes, it took me a few weeks to complete and as time went on and it got harder and I got more busy. Eventually I arrived in London and reached out but to be lied to and regifted. Knowing her, I know she lied and then meet up with someone else the same week she said she was in a bad mental place or so family issues generic lie. I would think someone who was close friends with you would be more open and honest. It’s ok to tell me you’re not ready to face me, I am accepting of that or whatever real reason than to lie. The messages almost seemed a bit forced/fake as well.
Friendships heartbreaks and I write with a heavy heart. I don’t think I’ve ever been upset about a friend. I have since moved on but till today I am uncertain. Especially during this healing phase and me removing overthinking and being proactive. We are both Cancers. It’s almost like threading lightly. Perhaps I should be brave again and test this out. A friendly hello. Will let you know how it goes. It’s a bit scary. I sent a text and my heart is racing. But it would be good to finally know.
"Honestly I am writing because I would like to know if you would be open to being friends again or if it is a lost cause. I have been uncertain on how to communicate with you and I don’t want to force anything or make you uncomfortable being how the whole situation went but I am ok with whatever outcome may be. I have since moved on however I would like to know if I was overthinking things for closure if it may be so. I don’t want to have lingering thoughts or wonder what if in the future thus I am penning this awkward letter. I apologize for currently putting you in an uncomfortable predicament and I understand how strained it may be but time has since past and I would like to fully move on without regret if that is the case. Sorry I am being direct, but I don’t want to tip toe around this as we are both adults and I don’t want to waste your time or bring up memories.
I would appreciate a response but if not I am also ok with that as well. Take care!"
Is what I penned after sending a friendly hello. If I do get a response back I will let you know how it goes. If not, that is my closure and I am so proud of me. I am proud I was able to be fully open. I am happy to fully move on as well. Like I said, I want to be me me again, no baggage. I can’t believe how happy I am to rid myself of that, no awkwardness because in all honesty, since time has passed and we’ve drifted I don’t know how to be friends again, I don’t know how and where to pick up from and I definitely do not want to be fake or forced polite. The smile on my face is immense. I am happy. Brave little me.
In my past I had a best friend, we drifted apart because of distance and honestly I am the worst at keeping communication. She is somewhat family friends though and our parents had business relations. Anyway, I have always been open and unrestricted and in my youth with my sexuality. I was never afraid but my said friend was more reserved but a hidden freak. Somewhat of a hypocrite. She would tell me tales about her bfs (yes plural) and numerous exploits (but she was a "virgin") and her love triangles. One day she got mad at me, it was because of a rumor that spread around school. I was invited to a house party and at that party lies were told in fact I was recorded in a "compromised" way. Although nothing happened and I was a virgin then, the video told otherwise. In my neighborhood, I was somehow notorious. You know how rumors spread especially in high school, even strangers would know me. "Imebeala" she would always call me, that I am spoilt, I am bad, a bad girl because I was not “good”. I never saw that video even though I asked around to view it, somehow, I wasn't allowed to see it, was it perhaps I would dispute the tall tales? I'm curious what was in there. In school it was a popularity prop to "use me". Pretty Elise. Like I'd give them points or so. Silly.
She didn’t talk to me for an extended period, I didn’t know why till some girls in my set told me about the video, it was lies though, I believe I confronted the said person who spread that rumor, eventually she cooled down and reached out again and we got close once more. We were both Cancers. I guess I expected this from others.
My mom has told me tales of this happening to her. Friends being mad at each other then having breaks then returning. It was so normal to me. Yet when this happened recently, it was not the case. In fact I got regifted. I honestly was offended but once I got lied to when I reached out to chat in person, I wiped my hands clean. You cannot force people to be your friend. I move on. I was polite and accepted the fate. If whenever in the future someone walks back I am open and welcoming but not that is not my priority. My priority currently is myself. Will I be more cautious, of course. Some things I did not understand after that incident, like certain people unfollowing like some stories have been told, I overthink a lot but I hope that wasn’t the case and it was my mind overthinking. I would read into anything analyzing it and dissecting it. Overthinking will be the death of me.
In social situations, I will think in the best light and never say anything negative about anyone. It is not my place and I am a believer people should have their experience before making judgements on others.
Now I am on hiatus and ghosted social media , I am sure people are wondering wtf where am I blah blah. I am alive and healing my soul. I want to be fully me, me the me without the darkness. Everything I am doing is for me. This is my first time completely removing myself from social media. From people’s expectations of me. People always watching me. People always wanting the most from me. Expecting to be satiated by me. For me to be all knowing and Miss Solution. To assist them. Being needed but never helping me in return. Recent cases, "help with advice for breast implants, yours look so good" or "help promote me on your instagram, I will do the same". In both instances I received no thanks, one did not return the courtesy as she said she would. Because I am expected to "help". Entitlement.
Ever since I’ve left, my writing has picked up, I thoroughly enjoy pouring my heart out on “paper”. I purchased a new sewing machine I’ve always wanted, and prepared to buy a new art set. I’ve always wanted to paint and improve on my drawing and I intend to do that. I hope by my next post in this I am already painting and journaling about it. Udemy has some classes I peeped but right now I am a bit behind in school work so I’m working on that. One step at a time and making progress. The next will be the camera I want. But let me not take too many tasks at one. So far my cell is doing a great job but that is definitely something I want.
And like a special someone would tell me,
"You are above the clouds". It stuck with me. Resonated.
The older I am, the more and I understanding, especially now. Confronting situations and being more open has made me a very happy woman. Letting go of fear worry anxiety, overthinking. Finally being free. One day my book will come. When I get inspired to pen a fiction, for now this is an autobiography.
I don’t ever want to rerun back to my low stage ever. That will remain in my past. Crossing fingers.
Next year I have a big birthday and I hope by then I can reflect on all of this as I normally do and not have to cry but instead rejoice.
I have been through and over come a lot.