Feb 20, 2019
I’m addressing my post from a couple days ago as it’s been weighing on my mind.
I apologize for being mean. The truth is the way some people approach me
upsets me so much I’m over it. I have complained in the past but never really went into details on why. There are things I’m trying to purge from myself and one is the feeling of this industry being too messy or dog eat dog, I can’t think of a way to describe it now just out for themselves or so. Not everyone is like that.
It’s not that I don’t want to help because I feel guilty when I don’t. It’s just I’d love to not feel like I’m being used to make a profit and nothing else other than that. I’d appreciate being appreciated and acknowledged for other things vs what I know. If there is anything I need it’s definitely the sense of being appreciated truly. I love when people randomly message me about things to chat about or nice comments. I like when people ask to meet up with me. All things with no strings attached. And I’m sorry if I couldn’t it’s not you it’s me, sometimes I can’t meet be it illness or work schedule, sometimes I’m not sure who is in town, I forget and sometimes my introvert self needs alone time which I feel happens the most.
I don’t like it when my first and only message is help me with this or that. I don’t think it’s right and I don’t want to be forced to help because I feel guilt and honestly I admit deleting some messages if they make me feel down. I could never understand what was wrong with me that you decided not to be friendly with me before demanding assistance. It does stress me out and adds on. It just piles on me. Honestly I feel loneliness, depression and sadness a lot even though it may not seem like. I’ve gotten so used to it. Lack of control is another. I love to be in control of things, but gosh, shit happens and I hate it. I makes me feel terrible. So many things.
So I apologize if I’ve offended you subconsciously. I am sure some of you try and from what I’ve heard need encouragement. You’re always welcome to call me out on anything, I accept criticism well and it helps me learn about myself from another point of view, things I may not notice and I’m working on me hard this year to be a better person.
True, I don’t give a lot of people chances because I’m afraid and I don’t want to be scared any more or over think because of negatives of my past. I’ve let it rule me and my choices for a while. Trust is such a huge thing for me and if it is broken I am disappointed in myself for being trusting and in the other for breaking my trust. Frankly I don’t know what to believe. It really upsets me and I’m a true Cancer.
I recently had the word dismissive used to describe me and when I thought about it it’s true. It really threw me back into my personal life and even now. I was telling one lady I’m afraid to get close to people. Just don’t want to be disappointed. I’ve been hurt too much I block things out and can be really cold.
I was speaking with a lady about it and gosh it helped so much to pour my feelings out. It’s such a scary thing because things I say can be used against me and I’m always wary about revealing too much about myself. Some people have tried I admit and when I think about it they always try with me. It’s such a selfless thing and I appreciate it. As perfect as it looks I do have my own issues and my own demons and sw is so isolating it doesn’t help at all. I feel I’ve made some progress but talking about things does help and is insightful. It’s nice to not have to talk about “work” .
The last few days I’ve thought about this and I’m making this public apology to clear my consciousness. It is wrong of me to deflect on others so I am sorry. It is wrong of me to assume things about people. It’s not always about me and I thought I was over that feeling it but once it was mentioned to me recently I realized I truly wasn’t. The reverse was true. Growing up I always had this wish for people to like me it’s just what I’ve always wanted, to be amiable like my sister but when it wasn’t so I couldn’t understand why but life is like that. Sometimes it’s just circumstances, sometimes it’s me over thinking things. So me feeling that way I hope others don’t feel the same about me. I really don’t have an issue with anyone. I don’t hate anyone, I always want the best for you. But thats one little insecurity I guess I’m still dealing with.
I also realized I’m envious of people who have great friendships not in a bad way but in a I wish way. I love seeing things like that. I like how folk are able to trust each other and do kind gestures. I absolutely admire it. The one thing I’m bad at. Kinda gives me hope.
Recently I’ve felt let down by someone who I considered a friend. It’s like I’m not a good enough friend, did you think I’d be mad or not support you or want you to be safe, how can you think I’m someone like that like you don’t know me at all, am I not your friend or you never considered me a friend? Absolutely disappointed. I don’t like sneaky things or behavior. I am a pretty direct person. I guess I’m expecting too much of others. It makes me wonder. That was the tipping point for me, trust is way up there. And maybe I’m overthinking but definitely need time to process things, it hurts my feelings for someone to think I’m a bad person really just weights on my spirit because I’m not that person. Just don’t understand at times. Why am I always the good friend? Why do I have bad luck with genuine friendships?
Excuse me for ranting but I feel much better after being open.
Thanks for coming to my mini talk. This year I’ll be doing more of the reaching out. Forgive me in advance if I can’t but I will try harder.