Emotional Rant. Open Letter

Aug 27, 2018.

What is wrong?

A lot of things, just in a really bad place mentally. I stopped working a few months now cause I don’t want it to affect me. Feeling really depressed. I want so much yet it feels out of reach even though I try. I feel so much burden. And I want love, to be accepted, appreciated, fulfilled, to feel special yet even though I’m nice or so it just seems like it’s not going to happen. When do I get a chance? Then the people who hate me for no reason. I don’t know what I’ve done to them. I can ignore it and not care but it’s too much. Lately I’ve been wanting it to end, all the pain etc but it’s such a scary thought at the same time but I feel it would be good for me. I already know how I’d do it. It’s unfortunate, I just don’t know, I get in my feelings a lot, the older I get. I make a lot of sacrifices. It’s just so much, I feel weighted down. And when I ask for help no one helps me. Or too ashamed to. I just feel bad.

Sorry this is all negative but this is honestly how I feel. I love to follow accounts of people who seem like they are doing well or happy because it makes me somewhat happy and gives me some hope yet still waiting for a change. I try to make others happy as well but I feel all this emptiness and sorrow inside. I’d like to tell my sister but I’m worried about being judged or my family bringing Jesus or the devil 'cause it’s more than that or they will say it’s my work. And it’s definitely not the devil. I don't know, my folk are too religious and will tell me to pray. God will provide this and that. I pray and what has God done for me? All that I have asked for! Peace of mind and happiness for years, yet I don’t have that. I will tell her soon. I keep telling her that I’m sad and sometimes she doesn't fully understand the extent. Keep in prayer. She tries and is there for comfort, I appreciate that, you have no idea.

Please don’t share this. It’s really personal. I asked for help yesterday because I’m crying more lately. Even this move, I did I did not want. But sacrifices, when I say what I want I get discouraged. Always having to help others. When I ask for help I get discouraged. People just love to use me, oh she is nice she will help this and that. Everyone gets to be happy but not me, I get to be a responsible adult as usual and a provider. And not that I don’t like to help, I’m happy to but I feel sad at the same time. But you get to progress and I have this standstill feeling. And then this fear at the same time. And still wonder who would help me, if I stop helping what happens? I’m tired of thinking too much. I asked for help cause it’s getting to a serious point now and I have a problem. Too many demons. Too many obstacles. I honestly wish for good friends as well but who can I trust? I’m just really sad. I’d like to be happy. It’s a really lonely and sad life I live. People lie too much and I hate it. I don’t get why people can’t be honest. I really don’t understand. Some things people say make me wonder 'cause I think I am all of those things but why don’t I get that luck? Why are you such a horrible person and you do? It’s just so much I’m feeling. Sorry for ranting at the same time thank you for asking and being considerate.

#rant #anxiety #depression #emotions #personal #diary #EliseJolie #writerlife #sadness #darkthoughts #writtenword #openletter

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