April 15 2017
This year has been so draining on me.
I really don’t one to be that person or change because of all that has happened to me. I drop all the negative people fast, earlier this year I dropped another friend or was she really my friend? She went ghost on me, cold turkey on a scheduled shoot. We were supposed to split the bill for the hotel. She was lalready being undecisive the closer the dates drew even though this was planned months in advance, I guess I should have taken that as a sign but I never imagined whs would do that to me. One excuse or the other, family this and that eventually she agreed on a hotel with me after waiting on an opinion of the searches I had done. During all this dealy, she made me book flights and the hotel last minute because she wasn’t ready then didn’t have the courage to let me know she was flaking on me, never even apologized for what she did either. Here I was being worried while in Montreal that something had happened.
My flight was super delayed and I arrived late or rather early in the morning (3am), she was scheduled to arrive later in the morning she was being unresponsive to my message only for the photographer to tell me that she had cancelled at the last minute. Oh you could tell her but didn’t give me the respect, and luckily I had stopped at an atm before my flight otherwise I would be so screwed up, I was banking on her to give me the remaining cash for the hotel I had paid for and I would use that to pay the photographer, one of the many reasons why I do not trust people and I am happy I stopped at the atm to get money for myself. Just can’t really depend on anyone but yourself in this world.
I never got in contact with her anymore after that, it was just wrong. That was just one case, then she proceeded to become bat shit crazy online, I remember her mentioning going crazing when she would exit this world, about how her family struggled with manic bipolar, herself as well, I just thought it was an episode, I’m not one to judge people because of their mental predicaments, but it was completely wrong of her to screw me over, I didn’t let her down when it was her turn, two trips, LA for the first shoot and Vegas for her birthday but my turn planning, is not that important. I didn’t mention about Vegas, she also ditched me there, broke the girl code to leave with some random man we met while out. She could have at least messaged me she was doing that so I wouldn’t have to search for her, maybe I shouldn’t be so caring. After I searched a little, I left the club to return to the hotel. She showed up later in the morning though, I didn’t say much because. I figured she went out with some guy, she told me they didn’t “do it” just oral and she fell asleep in his room, he stayed at the same hotel as us she said, so I guess she figured it was all right to just leave without texting that she’s fine. Typical hoe life. Toxic world.
One of my New Years resolution was spending more time with family. It's good for my sanity. When you're surrounded by people with ugly souls it's a bit taxing on me. It's crazy how some beautiful people can be so evil, spiteful, jealous, harbor hate, fight over money, scamming etc.
One thing I hate is to be falsely accused. I don’t lie, period, I don’t like it, it’s too much of a web to spin. I rather not say anything than to lie, so I guess that’s a white lie but not really, just deviate the question or like uhh that awkward moment or err yea sorry haha, not saying anything. Moments like that, in my mind I’m thinking I’m going to throw this question off.
Recently I had a friend or someone I thought was my friend ask me why I lied to them and I was all confused. I was busy studying an I get this messaged and I’m thrown in for a loop. I don’t know if she was on drugs or something because she’s a user, but it made me so mad. If you think I would ever harm someone let alone your sister after knowing you for so long what else are you thinking about me. You know me well enough. I won’t get into this much, will safe it for another day. I was a really long and exhausting night in the er.
Is there anyone like me out there? I’d like to meet them, I think we’d get along.
I guess this is how I’m feeling, I pour my emotions into my writing. My mom tells me I’m her most emotional child haha. It’s true though, I laughed cry when I’m happy for myself or someone else, I believe in expressing my feelings. It doesn’t mean that you’re weak rather great. Life is beautify and if I cannot express myself what kind of human would I be? I guess I must have overly active hormones.
Heated arguments with my sibling can drag me to tears or things I’m passionate about.
When I told my sister about my surgery it was a teary day because it was a decision I’d always wanted and she’s always worried about me. I was also asking her to chaperon me during my trip. Sometimes she wonders if I do things for men, or if I was being pressured into doing it, I had to convince her it was for myself. I am not one to be influenced by others.