Risk And Feed You

August 14, 2019

Sept 1, 2017

 

A lot of people are not brave or ready to step on their own they always rely on someone else to help them. It is not cool to still do homework for others. 

Reminds me of doing homework back in school and friends copying off you same in this world.  

Doing new things, like travel, it's a risk, scary and exciting but it's an adventurer. Fear,  that's just a step to over come.

You know when explorers found new words they were scared yet brave.

The unknown then the rest came, it is a big world out there. 

Sometimes you just have to have the initiative.

There is lot going on with me. I am about to have even more responsibility, some stress more like a LOT, I'm really under a lot of pressure but I must persevere.

I feel like a young parent. Often I wish I wasn’t an older sibling. 

 

Being an older sibling can be tough and I’m about to raise another and here I am at cross roads 

I really want the best for myself and family yet I feel like a disappointment at times. My passions  and dreams are not normal. I just want to be able to provide

I feel I might have to resort to doing things I don't like that won't keep me happy but I'm not happy now, just fair to be honest but I don't want to be worse off. Can't do a job that you hate it's not worth it, I don't want to be old and look back on my life like it was trash so I'm living for it. I have plans for my younger ones. If education I want the best for them even if I have to take the blow. And be the hoe, yes let them be debt free.

 

Doctor, lawyer, engineer, pharmacist etc African parent career choices, none of this I wanted none. I've always been a free spirit. Honestly tired of the sadness I feel at times. When I think of my older one, I'm so happy for her, I really I could cry. She's so perfect. I think I've written about sibling envy. I don't envy her in a bad way but in a way that I wish I was as perfect or as fortunate. And she feels the same about me too. So what gives. You always want what you don't have. I love my family. Going home soon and sometimes I get anxiety. Not bad but just the questions, they know what I do but still you know the pressure. So much pressure. Then the questions like oh time gap ''this and that. Anyways.

 

When I look at my old selfies videos  from last year etc I see how much I've aged, mentally. Life goes on, still the same but different, better and I like it. Reasons why I document myself.

 

I don't ask for much what I want is happiness/joy. That's what I search for. This world is pretty lonely, very much and the civvie world as well. A lot I don't understand in the sense as an open individual. Case example seat partner from Houston to SFO flight, she told me about being a maid of honor and here I was wondering if such a fate would be my portion. A best friend, or friends, close lady buds.  I was happy for her, but she did seem a bit stressed.

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