Aug 2 2019
Disclaimer- As per the previous post "Friendships and Expectations" I discovered lot of things... and I am happy I sent that.
I completely understand where you are coming from even up to last week I had not been open about the real reason for my hiatus. It really it was to get away because I had reached an extreme low point again and I had had it. Since then I’ve completely pulled back and deleted everything fully committed to my hiatus. Even in my invalid bed, people were still being the same, using and being trifling. When I gathered up strength to meet up for lunch with some people recently, it was the same sinking feeling all over again and I was upset but played it cool. One was visibly irritated like I had made a mistake in inviting the other. They both seemed very strain and it put me in an uncomfortable predicament. I cried so much when I returned home. They both appeared to be friends online and to see this visibly reminded how artificial this world is and then to get pried on slickly to fish information from me was upsetting. It is ok to ignore me in public like you don’t know me yet be super familiar in person and ask questions about men I saw or to try to make me jealous, it was so messed up. I tried to be social and yet again I was reminded why I need to heal inside.
I do understand the suicide part in fact up till recently I knew exactly how I would do it, I understood why Antony Bourdain and Kate Spade did it and it was really negative thoughts, but I really did not want to be in that spot. I don’t have professional help because if it hard to find a SW friendly person here however I am very open about my sadness with my family and recently I told a special someone about it. Emotional turmoil from work and from home, not in a bad way from home as it is with work. I completely love my family but it is extremely stressful being a provider, and having to sacrifice for them, not doing things I want, so many restrictions for their benefit, for the longest time I hated living where I do currently and I would be depressed every time I had to return home from travels. It’s lost me so much money and is even more costly than living in the city and I would be extremely stressed and frustrated about me changing my life for them. Always always having a burden on my shoulder, always so many responsibilities. And I could not commit to suicide because I know it would leave them in a bad place, I felt cowardly I could only dream about it. It was such awful thoughts. And since I’ve been even more proactive about keeping it away. I absolutely love them, and love being surrounded by them and helping them. They are good people. The positive and I’m focusing on that. Being more proactive as well, making changes. Being more solution oriented. The pluses are so much better than the minuses and I’ve come to peace with me.
I never want to feel that way or get to another extreme low point. I am fully dedicated to me and to myself as priority and not trying to please anyone. And since fully stepping away I’ve focused on myself and my hobbies and so many things I loved have resumed and I am happy about that. I’ve also downloaded positive affirmation apps so every day I wake up and before bed I read something positive. I want to surround myself in that. I want to form a new habit. When I do return back to work it would be ingrained in me. I do highly recommend these apps if you do not have them and I am happy you have your bf who is supportive of you. At this time self-priority is important and I completely understand your place. Thank you for sharing this with me, know that you are not alone in this struggle. Reading this made me sad but not in a bad way just sad these are things I was unaware off. Sad this are both dark secrets we have hidden. So, thank you again for sharing I really appreciate it. And please take all the time you need.
Up till early this year I’ve been battling an eating disorder on and off for many years. It picked up again with sex work especially when I was extremely stressed or depressed, not because of weight but because of control I’ve felt so out of control so many times and I loved the feeling of being in control of what I ate but I would feel extreme regret and sad afterwards. Often, I would work out not only because I liked it but because of the happy feelings it gave me. I was always searching for happiness and recently I’ve finally realized it comes from within me. I hope you realize this as well. Only you can make yourself happy. Only you can save yourself. I’ve been open about it was family and finally put an end to it earlier this year, but I often pray I don’t relapse and want it permanently gone it was unhealthy and each time I felt like I was killing myself.
I would like to be me, the me that I’ve forgotten about so long ago, before all the stress and worry, sadness I’ve accumulated over the years and darkness and I am fully dedicated to that now. And ever since deleting aspects that brought me down things are looking up, and I am so proud of myself. I was so proud of myself for writing you yesterday because I felt I overcame overthinking.
I am releasing all negative emotions from my system. No more feeling used, no more being lied to, feeling alone, tired, frustrated, sad, depressed, unloved, unappreciated, toyed with, very stressed out, unworthy or unloved or unaccomplished, unlucky. I want to float above all of them, like the feeling I would get in the clouds while flying, but permanently. My heart tells me one thing but society another and I would question myself. For being kind would not see the benefit yet. I’ve felt I’d be surrounded by love and lasting friendships and happiness yet always pain and more users it attracts like magnet and I could never win. It is exhausting. Just don’t want to be doubtful or weak. I am myself always yet myself is never is enough or I am unlikeable. I try to see the best in people and almost always it ends the same way. I really don’t know what I’ve done wrong.
Sometimes I feel I have to be what I read, to be cold, ruthless and uncaring, manipulative, to toss my heart away but I’m not that person, I hope I am right.
If I become that person, I might be in a better place because it seems that way from what I’ve observed. At my age I thought things would be different, but life is really not as I imagined, and I still struggle.
I am solely focused on healing and cleansing my mind and soul and not just my body. I am at that stage in life where I face so many challenges and right now, I am not caring about my audience or stalkers I am solely focusing on me. I am not caring about the pain from my past or dwelling on it. I understand you doing this same. It is a tough world and I am feeling a lot; I feel way too many emotions. Overthinking and over feeling, extremely sensitivity.
I do not have to please anyone I only have to please me. I must say it, feel it and breath it.
I do not have to question why.
I am inviting positivity into my life. I need to speak more positivity.
I am inviting positive people into my life. I have never really manifested or affirmed previously but I am learning to enjoy it now. I am learning to be more open about my emotions.
For me it was hard to delete Instagram. Even though it was not nearly as toxic as Twitter it still had its claws and I needed to be completely removed from them not half way and give room for any minus in my life during this stage. It was from there I got the most recent hang ups. And I decided to completely going offline to a time in my life I wasn’t on and did not have to please the masses. They certainly are not pleasing me, and I am important to me. With this I hope to relearn how I lived then and have enough time for myself and things I loved. I want to learn to love them again. Learn to love me and then I can love someone else.
Trying to form a habit. Once I form this habit, I want it to stick when I return back to work and not try to please people anymore, I am done with it.
Not being obsessed with social media and be obsessed with my hobbies and aspirations. I want to live breath and dream it. I want to be completely focused on that.
Work will be work. My life my life.
I judge myself the hardest and I need to learn to accept myself.
Accept my achievements and not compare them to others because we don’t have it all figured out. I know I don’t. I would compare myself to those who have because they knew from the start and worked towards that and my life has been all over the place.
This I really struggle with because as a child I had all these wild dreams about me and what I’d have done by 25 and that happened, and it wasn’t me. Me however is strong and hopeful and trying. I know I try so hard but ultimately that is my biggest insecurity, overthinking. It would be the death of me.
I need to work on me. This month I am trying hard and hopefully I finally get out this mindset in the long run. I know I will.
So far, I am erasing things that affect that during this cleanse because I deserve a healing and better and to focus on me immensely.
Knowing myself I question things a lot my overthinking and I don’t want to have to question why someone I don’t know has a problem with me. Or would lie about me or other issues with work. It makes no sense. None of it is my fault. No more super over analyzing and dissecting.
I want to wake up and see positivity. I am grateful for the the good in my life. I attract great things to come into my life by thinking about them. I am proud of who I am. Focusing on positivity will attract more positivity into my life. I am better than negative thoughts and I am important and worthy, I am deserving. I am releasing all the negative energy in my life and all the darkness in my heart, it is not welcome. I don’t want to have to keep pretending everything is ok when it isn’t.
Thank you again for being open and I hope you therapy is going well, and you are learning things and I wish you well. I will always be here for you and I understand your need for self-priority. I hope you healing goes wonderful. Stay blessed always. Sending virtual hugs.