November 16, 2017
I form bad habits I'm not comfortable writing about but it's comforting to me that moment. Something I can control. I also hate it at the same time. Actually that is a harsh word More like regret. I really need help.
I battle with food. So there I admit it. On and off for yrs. I hate the fact that I've relapsed, I was good for over a year. I figure I’ve never really been free. It is upsetting. I hope the next time I read this or write I'll be clean and in a better place. This secret is public now. I confessed to my sister so she can keep an eye out for me. Do I know the health effects, yes I do I understand what I'm doing to myself. I feel I'm at a low point right now and when I get that way, I resort to this.
Sometimes I cry at how sad I am or lonely. I feel I'm at a low point those times and I wish people would do things for me like I do for them. Or more a sense of appreciation. Often I feel like I do a lot and get nothing in return. When will my time come? Things turn around? Blessings? Am I foolish to think so many things? How do I fill a void? I often wish for a cold heart. It is hard and I know it won't happen, just not the way I'm programmed. Never change who you are but honestly is this true? Would life be better for me or things if I were. Would I be more appreciated? I guess I am a liar. My smile is a lie...sometimes. I think I've mentioned this before; my biggest wish is to be happy, genuinely, moments that I am in that state I appreciate it rather than my inner darkness. I try to see the world positively, yet why do I feel like a disaster inside? It hurts truly. Striving for a better tomorrow daily.