Being pretty is a curse. A lot of time I wish people would want to try to get to know me on a deeper level. Is this even possible? Most times I feel like a vessel yet to be filled, inhumane. I don't think I'm being seen in the way I want to be. It does make me a little sad but life is complicated, maybe just mine. Recently I had an encounter and my guest told me he would never do anything I don't want, he is respectful blah blah and I got lost in thought because all I could think of was how false that statement was, how much I stated I didn't like or want certain things to fall on deaf ears then to hear this mumbo jumbo and I fell into a doll trance, like a broken record playing over and over in my head. I guess this is what you want. It became is something wrong questions. Of course something is wrong. Why do you fill my head with lies? I guess this is a little of being jaded but I don't consider it so much in a way that others might. It's just a feeling of being used. So much I don't have an opinion, so much I'm lifeless. You guys have seen HBO's Westworld hosts. Yup, thanks for that show HBO. I feel like that at times.This exterior face is just superficial and I don't think as important as inside.
Sometimes I cry at how sad I am or lonely. I feel I'm at a low point those times and I wish people would do things for me like I do for them. Or more a sense of appreciation. Often I feel like I do a lot and get nothing in return. When will my time come? Things turn around? Blessings? Am I foolish to think so many things? How do I fill this void?
I wish for a cold heart at times. It is hard and I know it won't happen, just not the way I'm programmed. Never change who you are but honestly is this true? Would life be better for me or things if I were? Would I be more appreciated? I think I've said this before, my biggest wish is to be happy, genuinely, infinite joy. Is it too much to ask the universe for? So moments that I am in that state I appreciate it rather than my inner darkness. I try to see the world positively, why do I feel like a disaster inside? It hurts truly.
Emptiness, sadness, loneliness...I really just want someone to care for me.
I want to wake up everyday feeling fulfilled, less weighed and typically carefree in a sense that yes everything is ok, I guess this only happens in wonderland but could this be real?
Being happy for a moment means a lot to me before reality strikes.