Reflections...Happy 1yr anniversary to me
How time has flown by. I remember when I first got into this and my reasons. A lot of ladies have different back stories, mine might not be so different, and no, I was not a SB turned. Never been one. It seems lately that's where all the new girls come from. There is really a thin line between both worlds. Yes, I did dance, for 2 days. It was a really bad experience and it distorted my fantasy but that wasn't my first taste of sex work. Did some webcam (exhibitionist thing) and some freelance modeling when I quit my agency, a better term would be I didn't renew my contract. They were not the best for me. Always wanted more and gave less in return. It was my hobby then, didn't pay much, much hunger, and time consuming. They all exposed me to various things and allowed me to explore my comfort, each different in it's own way. Long story, but I eventually ended up here. I researched for a year before I dove in. Picking a name was tasking, I wanted something unique/uncommon, with flow and that'd suit me. Google was my friend but I remembered one of my activity partners in college with a beautiful name thus Elise was born. As I write this I remember her, we even made a video together, group project, watching the video makes me laugh at how awfully cute my French is. The video was for an oral exam...sigh, those days.
I've had friends ask me what my real name, truthfully even if I'd tell you it's difficult to remember and very exotic. I'll do cartwheels the day someone does(that's if I tell you hmm...), I highly doubt though.
My year in this world has been a roller-coaster. It had its low points and high points but I'm truly blessed and more knowledgeable.
Some pros about my work:-
Meeting folk helps me work on my openness. I'd love to be more open in person like I am right now on paper. I'm a pretty complex lady.
I am often perceived as shy/quiet but actually, I'm lost in thought constantly flying through my mind. Never want to say the wrong thing and sometimes silence is the best answer. You could say I'm a bit cautious and extremely observant. I learn a lot about things or people just by watching, listening, reading. I'm best in one-on-one scenarios, sometimes group meets make me feel like I'm swallowed by the crowd especially if parties know each other. I'm a little of both an introvert and extrovert, in-between you could say. I think about a lot of things; myself, my job, my family, my future, my goals, my problems, my self being/happiness and how to obtain it. I feel restricted by a lot of mediums and I'd like to break free. Sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough, what people see in me, do they like me? Do I need to be ungenuine, and emotionless? Too immature? I dislike negative thought processed but at times it can't be helped, I'm human after all and the biggest critique for myself, this is a problem I'm working to overcome.
At times during meetings I'm put on the spot. I don't have a script prepared so it always catches me off guard, vocalizing my thoughts forces me to engage in a conversation I possibly wouldn't bring up. The more comfortable I am, the more open I become.
I love flying, being in the clouds, it's like I'm away from my troubles, for that little time I'm weightless, happy plus I have a lot of thinking time, almost how I feel when I run. My year as an escort, I've spent more time at airports than I have in my lifetime and I love it. Love to travel to new places, see new things, a year ago I was in a very different place in life and I'm glad I can say I've accomplished some dreams, now to push it further....More international. I'm extremely fascinated by different cultures, always have been. Learning new things, trying new cuisines and doing what the locals would do, exploring and some history.
There's more to life than the surface attractions, hidden gems are out there just need to dig deeper. I have great plans this year for my personal self, facing fears, my quest for fulfillment, happiness. Ask me where I want to move to live, in my heart I know but the gypsy in me can't be in stuck in one place, so much to explore, so many places I've never been so I can't say. I have no ties to The States so I pack up my bags and leave.
Words cannot express how I feel when I'm so in tuned with someone, or when I'm treated so nicely. Makes me daydream at times about romantic scenes, it can be so cute. Sometimes I wish for that umbrella in the rain moment, if I truly believed in such (eye roll). But to feel it at least one time would be amazing. Nice gestures that make my heart flutter, sometimes the little things, thoughts matter the most. Like flowers, I can count the number of times I've received them on one hand. Each time brought a smile to my face. When I was younger I didn't understand getting flowers as gifts but now I do, some thoughtfulness and care. And boy do I blush at sweet things, I go jelly inside.
I've had 2 friends tell me that I'm the type of girl that won't be in the game long. That I'd be whisked away cause it's my spirit. It's funny and they might be right, but only time will tell. I've been told escorts don't get married, bfs, relationships outside of the game only strippers, porn stars and SB's have such luck. I wonder why it's different? Too taboo? Mary Magdalene? Is there such a thing as luck or more positioning aka right place at the right time? If you're thinking it no, I'm not ready for any relationship, I feel whenever that time comes it'll happen naturally. I admit, I've had crushes. Some clients I've met and have an amazing experience my body tingling everywhere and thoughts run across my mind, what if questions, if I were in another life, world, body...and for that little moment I fall a little. I have to remind myself dreams are different from reality. Some moments are just to be had and done with and maybe till the next time if ever. A part of me wonders what my readers think of my writing, if my thoughts are understood, acknowledged. It's fascinating to meet someone who spent a little time to get to know me through my words, and maybe at times I ramble but I'm speaking from deep within myself, like I would to you in person, without restriction.
Money obviously, need I explain more?
Bad kissing huge turn off.
I can't tell you how much this is a mood killer to me. I wish these individuals would learn how to properly or at least let me teach you. No one like a mess on their face or sloppiness, crazy tongue action or their face being eaten, the images in my head now, oh god. Sessions like that I can't wait to be over. You kill my spirit, it's one of my favorite things and I enjoy it when performed well, but as you know, a lot of people are hardheaded and think they know it all, admitting to errors isn't wrong, only permits you to greater achievement with correction.
Lies and dishonesty
I'd rather people not lie to me because I can tell. It's spins such an unnecessary tangle, most times people forget what they said, it's best to avoid. I'm a good reader on traits with an elephant memory, honestly try me when we meet again, I never forget things. I'm also pretty honest person to the point my folk know what I do, specifically my mom and siblings know what I do. I told them this past Xmas when I went home, they inquired about my living situation. I can't lie to my mom she knows, I learnt that at a really young age. Wouldn't you say you're like that with your kids(if you have any)? My mom asked directly and my sister found out about my Twitter and questioned me. Are they supportive? I grew up in a very strict religious home and they're more so concerned. I see in in their eyes when they speak to me or in their tone. My safety, "damaging my body/temple", my health! My future. Conversations are threaded on water and the topic is avoided.
My mom doesn't bring it up much anymore just hopes for me to gradually end this career, get a 9-5 for at least a year, "Remember all the tears are sleepless nights, not to put my schooling to waste. Not to let anyone put me down, I'm good, I'm the best, always bring myself up". Being that she's religious she also mentioned "All God's creation is beautiful, none is bad". I guess she's referencing to what I do, the "sinner" that is her daughter. I'm happy I'm still in their life although I'm not the perfect child. I remember how nervous I felt when she asked me. When my sister asked I cried, I'm an emotional person and I truly thought she was spying on me. She seemed to discover a lot of things, but really shows my family cares for my well being. Simple things. It's good to have some weight off my shoulders.
Sorry for drifting off, the bottom line is I hate to be lied to, I understand this happens a lot in this profession, I'd just rather not hear it. I can't remember where I read it but the phrase went I'm not your wife you don't have to lie to me.
More sad side of this work...
Fakery/Inauthethic and "Kumbaya".
"Competition", jealousy, people want to ruin your business, getting taken advantage off
Bad references or not answering requests. Fake references
Time wasters/cancellation/no call no show/ story time/emergencies, clients who have no interest in meeting you only concerned in flirting/stalking you on Twitter.
Neediness. I really don't want to get into this, some people get so offended. e.g cuddling
Leaving Rocket while I tour
Whorephobia and petty games aplenty
I've learned things about people I wouldn't have in my normal life or rather should I say been more exposed to the truths.
Social media has shown me hypocrisy is huge. I wish everyone remembered they all started from somewhere. Reading some of these posts speak a lot about personality. The Internet is a powerful tool and nothing ever goes away, like things from your past, you can always find. And a lot I have found. I'm sure many others have as well with research. It's interesting really how time changes people or a little money. Some for the good and some for worse. In the end you came to this world with nothing and you will leave with nothing. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
There is a lot of "fake" friendships, "opportunists", narcissits and judgmental people. "Whoreiarchy" not my level courtesan et cetera. et ce era. (Oh how I don't like that word, it's pretentious and honestly I don't think I've seen a real one yet, but isn't that how it's supposed to be though?) I can't do the fake thing, sorry it's just not me. I'd rather have a small circle that I can trust. In this game, trust difficult to come by. I've learned the hard way but life goes on. Solitude is best at times. It doesn't mean you're lonely, antisocial, you just choose to be that way. People lie, lie and tell more lies. A world full of deceit, I don't want any part of that. I become particularly bored of some cliche I see via social media, truth be told it's all an act and I wonder why some are uptight and not down to earth as they claim. Yes to portray you are so so and "so" way but do you ever have fun or live a little? Action speak better than words. All this support talk to sounds nice on paper when the reality is quite different. At times I want to deactivate my account so I con't have to read some of the BS I see. On a positive note, I especially love following those who inspire me, I won't mention names but it's like living an adventure through them and I can see their heart, I really cherish that, makes me smile.
Life is short so make the best of it. It's amazing how much mine has changed. Being restricted younger, my ex, now doing what I want, and creating opportunities for myself. Time waits for no one, I could be dead tomorrow.
With that I bid adieu. Happy ho anniversary to myself.