I wish for a good friend, even if it's just one . Solitary life can be lonely at times. I'm trying my best to network and meet other ladies, it would be nice to believe there are good eggs out there. What can I say? My future I can't see, live for the now, life throws curve balls, it's not a straight path. This begets the question- Why is life so hard? I think about this a lot. Why can't it be easy, even just for a day? I've always had to work 10x harder than others to get what I want and sometimes it's still a struggle to get there.
Never had anything easy come to me. I feel anytime I move in a new direction or start something new, a change blows that way like a turn of tides. Things become worse, harder, pricier so many obstacles why is this so? Is this a test of will power, effort, my patience or all? I must persevere through all odds.
when will I see the results of my efforts? Growing up is tough.
I write not only because I enjoy it but I want or look by at my words and have memories like how I look at my first post on here. I remember exactly how I was feeling. I don't have much photos of myself growing up, so this is the next best thing, maybe even better. I'm a young lady in my mid 20s and seeing how much growth I have as well in all aspects, one day when I'm older I will look back and laugh or reminiscences my youth. I wish I could find my writing from younger years but alas it's over 3000 miles away, who knows what my parents have done with my work, sketch books since I moved here as a teen in '07. It was a pastime, There was not much internet, cellphones e.t.c then you either read, played outside, studied or doodled. Lets not forget the power outages. I would draw when I was bored, sad, happy, when I loved a character, I was always gifted at that. I stopped because I had no time, I grew older and school responsibilities.
I don't believe in fairytales or romance. You can dream but dreams aren't reality, yet I'm a contradiction. My thoughts, feeling and writings are romantic. Maybe I'm in denial and deep inside I want to believe, maybe I truly believe. I've never experienced romance so it's hard to. It's good to fantasize about it, if only. Imagination land is a swell place to be. I just want to be strong, I don't want to get hurt, let own, disappointed,
crushed, more synonyms. Is there true happiness for me?
I don't get excited for the unknown or uncertain, it is foolish to get hopes up. Men will say anything, just take it with a grain of salt. People let you down if you're not family. Do not depend on anyone or like my mom says any man. No one will rescue you, no one will be your prince charming only I can save myself. Only I can do what needs to be done, cater to me, care about me, love me. Is self love selfish or protection from hurt? I may be young but naive I am not. Don't test me. Most times I am the artist drawing my path. What isn't there to be excited about? My world, my choices.
Am I cold? There are times I wish I could take the smile away, fleeting emotions, be stronger than I am currently without a care in this world. Cold Blooded like villains. How much of my soul do I have to give, what would it take? Does this mean I'm jaded. Going with the motions. Feeling like a transaction. Seen as worthless. Not smart, interesting, just a Jezebel? Sometimes I wonder if I'm intimidating. At times I feel like I'm in a standstill, I have to challenge myself to get out of that pit. Sometimes I'm so stressed want to stop dead but keep on trucking.
I have to affirm myself for my sanity. Favorite attributes of myself, personality, wits, my smile, my lips, my cheekbones my legs, my hooha 😂( I'm kidding but funny though. It's a pretty one. Perfect I should say. A very happy place.) Writing positive notes to myself in cell phone, journal. Words of affirmation. Everyday is a great day I am special and unstoppable. I am one of a kind. I am good enough. I am worth everything. I am worthy. Believe in yourself and you will be unstoppable.
Time waits for no one but remember only you can take care of you. You have to depend on yourself. Whatever a man gives you is charity, your own is your own. Do not fall for anyone that will look at you as a 2nd class, no one must put you down, NO man especially if they have poor morals. Remain kind at heart and have 1st class relationships.
You must ask for things, they must do things for you, issue the command.
Never let any man know you're weak. Never cry in front of a man, you don't want their pity, they will see you as a weakling, cry in private. Give no eye to any man who will ask you to do things.
Like Amy said, love is a losing game. Is there such a thing?
Lately I've been inspired to write an erotic tale I've been fantasizing about, I can't wait to share it when it's complete. I haven't written smut in a while and the juices have been flowing. I am super riled and giddy. It involves music, another of my passions. I love music and don't discriminate, anything that sounds good, spice is the variety of life. Very diverse taste, always open to suggestions. Fantasy is about being caught masturbating. I am and exhibitionist so I LOVE to be watched. Listening to music with earphones while I do it and shut my eyes maybe I might open it to a wet tongue ahaha. I'd be so turned on and fucking wet as my fingers drill into my sweet spot, music can be a turn on. To have this hot feeling inside of me of the awaiting sensations...wild fantasies running amok in my mind and sometimes not knowing what to expect. You're just going to have to wait to read this one, will take a while.
Write to you later.